I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
