don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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