So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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