Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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