Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
