just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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