So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
