If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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