the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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