I can text with my tongue
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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