I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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