she looked like the before picture.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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