as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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