The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
