The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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