I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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