I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
