Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
