Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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