I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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