his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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