My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
