yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My vagina is officially offended.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
