We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
