I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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