His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
