foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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