You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I deserve this hangover.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
