I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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