dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
