When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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