Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
