So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
