She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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