Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
