HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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