Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
