he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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