Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
