Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
