Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
