So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
