this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
