Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
