he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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