1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
