we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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