how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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