as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
