Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
