i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
